So I just re-read Jessica’s blog on worrying... a bunch of us so far have been feeling weird emotions about this whole thing and I just thought I better get mine out.. if not for anyone else, then just for my own sake!
Every now and then, I get that bottom-of-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling about WHAT THE HECK AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?! On the whole, I think I’ve been pretty confident about this whole thing – I know (kind of) what I’m getting myself into; I know why (I think?) I’m getting myself into it and I have (a pretty good) idea what I might get out of it.
BUT
What if I don’t know what I’m getting myself into? What if the surprising and difficult things at WASL will only be magnified 110% in Mochudi... so much so that I won’t be able to wrap my head around it, accept it or even come close to understanding it?
Or what if all along my intentions haven’t been what I thought they were... John brought up a good point in one of his blogs discussing the feeling you get when you share with someone this “self-less act” you’re embarking on and the satisfaction you feel when they respond with “Wow, I could never do something like that”. But how selfless can it really be once you begin using it as a way to define you? In all honesty, I don’t think I have used (or abused) the Beyond Borders program in this way, and I sincerely hope that I can fight the temptation to do so in the future, but I also can’t lie and say I don’t feel it creeping into my mind or conversations every now and then.
And lastly, what if I have NO CLUE what I am going to learn out of this. I have a perfect, clear image in my head of some of the things I will see and lessons I will learn. Does that even make sense? –How can I possibly be anticipating lessons I will learn?! –Or ways I will change? Often I worry that this whole thing will be like that movie that everyone hypes up so much and you can’t be more excited to see it... then you do and it’s a total dud... not even coming close to your expectations. Maybe the even more intimidating thought are the unexpected ways I might change... what if I come home and don’t have the same interests anymore and can’t relate to my closest of friends, or find myself unable to cope with the North American lifestyle.
Oy vey. This is DEFINITLY not like me to be posting this stuff (don’t forget, I’m a green... I have no feelings!.. and even when I do, I most certainly don't talk about them!) I feel extremely vulnerable posting this and I hope I don’t offend anyone, or give anybody the impression I’m in this for the wrong reasons or whatnot. This is a CRAZY learning experience for all involved and every now and then it can feel a little overwhelming. I still can’t wait to go and I’m excited for the next 2 ½ months of prep... but once you start thinking about all of the “What ifs”, you just seem to get on a roll. Either way, I feel better after venting... thanks for lending an ear!
Matt
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Greens having feelings to my friend! And since i'm the overly-emotional blue clearly, I agree with everything you posted! I think we need our group gatherings to dish about this! haha
ReplyDeletesorry I'm a little late responding to this post! didn't mean to leave you hanging there feeling all vulnerable :) but your posts always make me think and I have to let your words sink in for awhile before I can come up with a response. The only thing I want to say is - I think it IS possible that you can anticipate lessons you will learn in the summer. I feel the same way. I don't know how normal it is because I don't know who else feels this way, but that's actually what they suggest in those "learn better" tips..they suggest that you anticipate what you'll be taught and questions you'll ask before going to a lecture. That way whatever the prof says will stick a lot better because you'll be fitting those new concepts into the bigger framework you already have in your brain. (does that make sense?) Of course it's true that what we see/hear/learn may be completely different from what we expect, but that's okay too, right?
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I love that you're referring to yourself by colour! lol I do that too! Second, don't feel alone, I think that we're all a bit worried about the "what ifs".
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way that you and Ruby feel. I can anticipate some of my lessons as well.
If you are feeeling overwhelmed and worried about the unknowns you should do some research. Have you tried getting in contact with people who have already gone to Botswana? I know that reading 2 former BB BiH students' blogs really helped me. They can also help answer concerns you may have.
Worrying about your relationships post BB is a valid concern. I think that forming relationships with ppl who have like=minds, like the rest of the BB 2008-9 class and ppl you'll meet overseas, will help you cope when you come back. After every stage of your life you lose and gain friends. Think back to elementary school. How many of those people do you still talk to? People go in and out of our lives. The ones who are important will stay. Also, although you may lose some friends, they may come back into your life later on. Plus, this experience has and will allow you to make other connections.
Thanks for sharing your worries with us. I think we have all had similar panicked thoughts, and I don't think it's wise or beneficial to pretend that we haven't. Maybe your summer will be nothing like you imagined and won't meet your expectations at all ... would that be so bad? Some of the best things that have taken place in my life are things I never would have guessed would happen. I am undecided as to whether or not you can anticipate the lessons you will learn in the future. Can you guess the outcome of something you've never experienced? Hard to say. Also, I salute you for using the term 'oy vey' in a blog. Kudos on that lol.
ReplyDelete